Jesus Was a Newfoundlander?

Recently I got thinking about Jesus.

No, I haven’t gone all religious.  

Just that it is coming on Christmas – that big kitchen party celebration about buddywasisname.

But whadda we know about Jesus, anyways?

Well, for one thing we know he was a Capricorn. That’s easy to figure out, as he was born on Christmas Day – some luck wha!

I has a theory, though, that he was also a Newfoundlander.

Yes b’y – all you doubting Thomases - like there could be worst t’ings!

Just think about it – he was always hanging out with fishermen – and if you weren’t from here, why would you hang out with that lot? – that’s how Ottawa makes us feel all the time, anyways.

And we all knows he was the friendliest kinda feller – always hangin’ out with a bunch of people.  Us Newfoundlanders are the same, sure – we likes nothing but a big crowd around. We feels right holy and spiritual when there’s party on the go, don’t we?

And you got to admit it – that man was hospitable.

Sure, he fed 5,000 people with just 5 loaves of bread and a couple of fish.

Now, what Newfoundlander hasn’t done that in their day?– especially when we were starving and clinging to the outports for centuries. We fed everyone with what scarcity we had.

Now, here’s another clue.  Buddy loved the water.  Listen. He was so comfortable around the water, he even walked on it one day – I swear to god, he did. Look it up in the Bible. Not a word of a lie.

I tell ya another clue - that Jesus feller, he was all about doing good.  Some might argue with me, but he had a good soul. I believes that.

Look, you can’t beat Newfoundlanders for doing good deeds, b’y, can ya?

They proved that by taking in boatfuls and plane loads of people. Sure, our generosity is so famous, they even got a  show on Broadway about us – true as god!

I tell you, there wasn’t a thing  that man wouldn’t do for you.  And best kind about it.

He didn’t charge a cent for his work. Not one cent, not even for the miracles.  Unreal! He did it all for free – just like any Newfoundlander,  who couldn’t do enough for you.  Sure, the tourists are always talking about our hospitableness and kindness.  

And sacred heart of Jesus, the feller was always outdoors, preaching.

Now, what Newfoundlander don’t like being outdoors? Now,  we’re more into poaching than preaching; but that’s besides the point.

And lard dions, didn’t he turn water into wine? What Newfoundlander don’t know that trick. Go out on the water, fish, make money and come home and buy all the booze and wine you want.

Talking about fishing – that feller was obsessed with fish. Seriously. Same as every true-blue Newfoundlander – we loves our fish.

Sure, he even miraculously put in a coin in a fish that Peter, his disciple,  caught, so he would pay their tax bills.

Today, you try paying your provincial levy with that and see if the government don’t try and  hang you on the cross. But you see Jesus knew a thing or two about us – we used to always pay our bills with fish. Yup, Cod was once our currency.

Lard jaysus, sure even the symbol of the Catholic church today is a fish – you think that is any coincidence?  Go away with you – Jesus knew all about his heritage. He was paying tribute to his roots. In Newfoundland, fish always meant Cod.

Anyways, Merry Christmas to you all. 

Now, don’t forget it’s Jesus Birthday – so do what a proper Newfoundlander would do to honour one of their own – buy a case of Beer, fry up some moose meat and of course, some Cod tongues in the shed.

Now, what true Newfoundlander wouldn’t like that? Glad tidings you bring, me son, as they say.

One thing that comes to mind about Jesus not being a Newfoundlander – no, not that he couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin, as someone has suggested; but, buddy was not into that, shall we say, sex thing.

And we all know Newfoundlanders loves their sex. For Christ sake, we even have a national reputation for it.

Oh, me nerves, looks like another theory of mine shot.

Jumpin’ Jesus!

‘Nuff to  take Christ out of Christmas
– or at least out of Newfoundland.  

   -30-